It’s no secret that I believe in the world of spirit, a world where our loved ones watch over us and guide us. It is up to us whether we listen and see the signs, a random feather, a butterfly, anything that is symbolic to them.
I see them all the time, it gives me strength and reminds me that this thing called grief will not define who I am today. I was quick to get back on my feet at the start of this process, I threw myself into motherhood, friendships and work. I needed to do this to stay sane as I was focusing on what had to be done. I was afraid to stop because I didn’t want to discover that this was all just a ruse and that I would fall apart.
What I discovered was that I didn’t fall apart, ending up in the foetal position in the corner of a room with my children saying ‘are you okay mummy’. I have days where I am very reflective I have days where I am super busy I have days where I isolate myself. All in all I live, love and cherish the 18 years I had with my husband. I understand why he died and I fully accept that I need to continue with my life for me and my children.
This thing called grief, which I think is a harsh word, is a process that is personal and individual to each person. I am sure however our loved ones would not want us wallowing in sadness and allowing it to dictate who we are going forward. There is a reason why we are still alive and that is to live and love each day and to cherish what we had and look for the signs.
I could have stopped them.
I would have done something differently.
I should have insisted on …..
All the coulda’s woulda’s and shoulda’s in the world will not change the fact that you are dead. I can choose to live forever in a world where I am a victim of circumstance or I can choose to embrace the life I had and have and what will be.
My choice, my present and my future to make is all within me. Not my family or children or friends. It’s up to me to live and go forward with my head held high and not hide behind grief. It would be so easy to do as this is what is almost expected of us. However what is most unexpected is to embrace the memories and the love and go on a journey of discovery. I have realised that I can do this, I am strong, an amazing mother and mentor to others.
I could work with what I have been given.
I would love to be a part of my own journey.
I should be appreciative of all that we had to give me the strength to have all that we wanted.
I ask my boys, 9 and 12, if they are doing okay, what I see from them is what some would feel as an unnatural ability to cope with the loss of their Dad. They both appear to be coping well, they both appear to accept that their Dad is no longer here, they both reinforce in me everyday that I must be doing something right.
They miss him and want him to walk through the door and give them hugs and hold them there while he farts and shares the giggles of how gross it is. However this will not happen again, he will no longer be lifting them up on his shoulders in the pool or saying the alphabet in burps as only Daddy can!
We talk openly every day about him we share tears however most of all we share giggles and happy memories. This is what they want and this is what they receive. They don’t want to be sad as they have always walked into a happy home and as they have both said a number of time in the last 7 months ‘don’t be sad Mum we don’t live in sad home’.
Talking to my children and really listening to their words has given me the ability to understand what they want and what I need to give them. Which in turn has given me what I want and need to give myself.
I like to think of spirits having a candle that lights their way and gives them the energy to give us signs. With this in mind the sadder I am the dimmer their candle and the happier or more accepting I am the brighter their candle.
If spirit is able to focus on what they need to do with the peace of knowing that we are okay then they can grow in their journey.
If we continue to drown in our own sorrow we are not able to honour the gift of life they had with us in a physical form. They dont want us to stay in the sadness of their passing, instead they want us to celebrate what we were given the memories, laughter and the stories of what was their life which in turn what was our life.
I miss my husband every day and when I receive a sign that reminds me of him, something he would do or love I embrace the memory because I know this is making his candle burn more brightly.
I must preface this by stating that I am not a grief counsellor nor do I hold any degrees in psychology, I do however have first hand experience of the impact of losing someone that I expected to spend the rest of my life with. 7 months and 4 days ago my husband died, the details of the how what and when do not change the fact that he is gone. Leaving behind a 47 year old wife and three children now 9, 12 and 28. My initial grief has turned to gratitude for the life I had and the life he has now given us and we are okay!
I believe everyone has a life contract, he signed one as did I and my children. I obviously did not read the fine print at the time my soul was asked to commit LOL. I also believe that the physical ending of a person does not mean the spirit or soul ending of a connection. Frank is always with me guiding me and helping me in the decisions I make and the future I have planned.
My children and I live each day with a smile, this does not mean we do not miss him him every second of very minute, it means we do not let grief consume us. Our nature is to be happy and grateful for what we have and what we can create, this I am determined to never change.
We are okay and it is okay to be okay.