The reality of my situation is I am a widowed parent not a single parent, I am widowed at the age of 48 and I have 2 young boys relying on me to do the right thing by them for the rest of their lives.
Would I change my situation? I hesitate to answer not because I would not love my husband back by my side or for my children to have their hero back however my life now is so different. It is one I have grown into, one that I have learnt to navigate through and live with. I am comfortable now with this title of being a widow, this is my reality, I need to do the best I can with the limited experience I have.
It is coming up to the 9 month angelversary of my husbands passing which seems like both a heartbeat and lifetime ago. I remember every detail of the police knocking at my door, the gravity of their words, waking my boys to tell them their daddy was not coming home, the confusion and numbness of the next few weeks. I also remember the strength I felt and continue to feel with each day as I make decisions that will affect my family and the decisions I have made to secure our future.
Reality totally bites however I am up to the challenge I am also open to starting a new chapter of my life. Only time will tell if I am ready or if my children are ready.
What I know is I cannot change this life I have and to be totally honest I am not sure that I would change it. There is a reason behind what has happened. I thank god that I am strong, I thank god that my children keep me going and I thank my husband for having faith in me that I would keep us all going forward.
I had an ugly moment of reality today. Whilst vacuuming this morning I realised that this is it, I am alone in this with all that needs to be done to run my home, look after and provide for my children and keeping it all together. I no longer have my partner to pitch in and help. I no longer have that second pair of hands to take up some of the load.
I have no plan B, what am I supposed to do with this. I felt angry and betrayed as I did not sign up for this. My children did not sign up for this. I am solely responsible for every decision and action I make and take.
So much has changed in the last 8 months, nothing will be the same. I can embrace this new life that has been thrown at me or I can wallow in the bullshit of it all. My children need me to be present, they need me to be a super hero who can manage any situation. So I choose to embrace what has been handed to me without a backup plan. Just live each day and take each moment as it happens. Learning to go with the flow of life which is very unique to me as I like things very organised and structured. Maybe this is one of the lessons I needed to learn, maybe just maybe I needed to realise that life can turn upside down in a blink and you cannot always be prepared for any and all situations.
I choose to wake up each morning ready to take life on, to live it and love it. One day I may have the opportunity to have a second pair of hands to take the load or pitch in. However for now it is up to me and me alone to do the best I can. Which considering the circumstances I am doing a pretty good job of so far. It can only get easier, can’t it? I mean surely I have been through the worst of it.
I count my blessings each day, love and protect my children with every ounce of my being, one day I will have a Plan B. For right now though it is just me.