In 8 days it will be my 17th wedding anniversary, the first without my husband who passed away on November 4th last year. When I think back on my wedding day, the words said and the emotions felt, I did not think I would be sitting here at 48 years old now putting my marital status as Widow. Such a harsh word however so descriptive as it represents the finality of my situation.
With each new day I thought I would become more immune to this status however it is not the case. Each day I find myself either reflective, solemn, happy or just sad. I want to celebrate my anniversary, as I still consider myself as married, however that damn status thing that is required for legal forms says that I am not.
The sadness can be overwhelming at times and so very foreign to my soul as this is just not me – I am the positive for every negative, that person who will not let you drown in your sorrow or wallow in self pity. I am that happy upbeat energized Gina who everyone enjoys being around. I don’t know what to do with this widow, the one who could easily isolate herself from the world, hide behind her heavy workload and just give up. I feel that ‘widow’ pressing against me sometimes, urging me to let the sadness become the status quo of my existence, it is a battle to keep her at bay.
I have no idea what this rambling will accomplish, if anything it feels good to acknowledge that I have finally found something that I cannot Google a solution to!
Happy anniversary Babe love you more than you will ever know.