In 8 days it will be my 17th wedding anniversary, the first without my husband who passed away on November 4th last year. When I think back on my wedding day, the words said and the emotions felt, I did not think I would be sitting here at 48 years old now putting my marital status as Widow. Such a harsh word however so descriptive as it represents the finality of my situation.
With each new day I thought I would become more immune to this status however it is not the case. Each day I find myself either reflective, solemn, happy or just sad. I want to celebrate my anniversary, as I still consider myself as married, however that damn status thing that is required for legal forms says that I am not.
The sadness can be overwhelming at times and so very foreign to my soul as this is just not me – I am the positive for every negative, that person who will not let you drown in your sorrow or wallow in self pity. I am that happy upbeat energized Gina who everyone enjoys being around. I don’t know what to do with this widow, the one who could easily isolate herself from the world, hide behind her heavy workload and just give up. I feel that ‘widow’ pressing against me sometimes, urging me to let the sadness become the status quo of my existence, it is a battle to keep her at bay.
I have no idea what this rambling will accomplish, if anything it feels good to acknowledge that I have finally found something that I cannot Google a solution to!
Happy anniversary Babe love you more than you will ever know.
I like to think of spirits having a candle that lights their way and gives them the energy to give us signs. With this in mind the sadder I am the dimmer their candle and the happier or more accepting I am the brighter their candle.
If spirit is able to focus on what they need to do with the peace of knowing that we are okay then they can grow in their journey.
If we continue to drown in our own sorrow we are not able to honour the gift of life they had with us in a physical form. They dont want us to stay in the sadness of their passing, instead they want us to celebrate what we were given the memories, laughter and the stories of what was their life which in turn what was our life.
I miss my husband every day and when I receive a sign that reminds me of him, something he would do or love I embrace the memory because I know this is making his candle burn more brightly.
I must preface this by stating that I am not a grief counsellor nor do I hold any degrees in psychology, I do however have first hand experience of the impact of losing someone that I expected to spend the rest of my life with. 7 months and 4 days ago my husband died, the details of the how what and when do not change the fact that he is gone. Leaving behind a 47 year old wife and three children now 9, 12 and 28. My initial grief has turned to gratitude for the life I had and the life he has now given us and we are okay!
I believe everyone has a life contract, he signed one as did I and my children. I obviously did not read the fine print at the time my soul was asked to commit LOL. I also believe that the physical ending of a person does not mean the spirit or soul ending of a connection. Frank is always with me guiding me and helping me in the decisions I make and the future I have planned.
My children and I live each day with a smile, this does not mean we do not miss him him every second of very minute, it means we do not let grief consume us. Our nature is to be happy and grateful for what we have and what we can create, this I am determined to never change.
We are okay and it is okay to be okay.