People saying you need to grieve is the equivalent of saying when you have surgery make sure you do it without anaesthetic because you need to be aware of what the surgeon is doing, you need to feel each cut, pull and removal of the particular body part that needs fixing. Grief is an emotional and physical pain that is so gut wrenching it takes on a life of its own which cannot be caged and harnessed or put in a pretty box only to be opened on special occasions.
Why do I need to feel it, who would want to feel that sort of pain? I want to live life as normal as possible whether it be mundane or frantic. I feel, I acknowledge and I accept my husband, father to my children has died. Pretty plain and simple. I continue to process and navigate my way through each day as best as I can.
I get up each morning sometimes with a spring in my step, sometimes needing copious amounts of coffee. This is normal I am no different to anyone else, the only additional baggage I have to so many other people is I am a widow. I wear this badge, this name tag, this identifier sometimes with pride sometimes with shame. I feel fulfilled and damaged at the same time, am I doing the right thing for my children, for me, for fellow widows? All I know is I do feel, I want to live, I want my children to be looked after and loved, I want so much that this too can become overwhelming.
This life that God has decided is for me is amazing, I have had blessings beyond my wildest dreams and for this I am and will be forever grateful. MWAH xxxx