People saying you need to grieve is the equivalent of saying when you have surgery make sure you do it without anaesthetic because you need to be aware of what the surgeon is doing, you need to feel each cut, pull and removal of the particular body part that needs fixing. Grief is an emotional and physical pain that is so gut wrenching it takes on a life of its own which cannot be caged and harnessed or put in a pretty box only to be opened on special occasions.
Why do I need to feel it, who would want to feel that sort of pain? I want to live life as normal as possible whether it be mundane or frantic. I feel, I acknowledge and I accept my husband, father to my children has died. Pretty plain and simple. I continue to process and navigate my way through each day as best as I can.
I get up each morning sometimes with a spring in my step, sometimes needing copious amounts of coffee. This is normal I am no different to anyone else, the only additional baggage I have to so many other people is I am a widow. I wear this badge, this name tag, this identifier sometimes with pride sometimes with shame. I feel fulfilled and damaged at the same time, am I doing the right thing for my children, for me, for fellow widows? All I know is I do feel, I want to live, I want my children to be looked after and loved, I want so much that this too can become overwhelming.
This life that God has decided is for me is amazing, I have had blessings beyond my wildest dreams and for this I am and will be forever grateful. MWAH xxxx
In 8 days it will be my 17th wedding anniversary, the first without my husband who passed away on November 4th last year. When I think back on my wedding day, the words said and the emotions felt, I did not think I would be sitting here at 48 years old now putting my marital status as Widow. Such a harsh word however so descriptive as it represents the finality of my situation.
With each new day I thought I would become more immune to this status however it is not the case. Each day I find myself either reflective, solemn, happy or just sad. I want to celebrate my anniversary, as I still consider myself as married, however that damn status thing that is required for legal forms says that I am not.
The sadness can be overwhelming at times and so very foreign to my soul as this is just not me – I am the positive for every negative, that person who will not let you drown in your sorrow or wallow in self pity. I am that happy upbeat energized Gina who everyone enjoys being around. I don’t know what to do with this widow, the one who could easily isolate herself from the world, hide behind her heavy workload and just give up. I feel that ‘widow’ pressing against me sometimes, urging me to let the sadness become the status quo of my existence, it is a battle to keep her at bay.
I have no idea what this rambling will accomplish, if anything it feels good to acknowledge that I have finally found something that I cannot Google a solution to!
Happy anniversary Babe love you more than you will ever know.
It’s no secret that I believe in the world of spirit, a world where our loved ones watch over us and guide us. It is up to us whether we listen and see the signs, a random feather, a butterfly, anything that is symbolic to them.
I see them all the time, it gives me strength and reminds me that this thing called grief will not define who I am today. I was quick to get back on my feet at the start of this process, I threw myself into motherhood, friendships and work. I needed to do this to stay sane as I was focusing on what had to be done. I was afraid to stop because I didn’t want to discover that this was all just a ruse and that I would fall apart.
What I discovered was that I didn’t fall apart, ending up in the foetal position in the corner of a room with my children saying ‘are you okay mummy’. I have days where I am very reflective I have days where I am super busy I have days where I isolate myself. All in all I live, love and cherish the 18 years I had with my husband. I understand why he died and I fully accept that I need to continue with my life for me and my children.
This thing called grief, which I think is a harsh word, is a process that is personal and individual to each person. I am sure however our loved ones would not want us wallowing in sadness and allowing it to dictate who we are going forward. There is a reason why we are still alive and that is to live and love each day and to cherish what we had and look for the signs.
I like to think of spirits having a candle that lights their way and gives them the energy to give us signs. With this in mind the sadder I am the dimmer their candle and the happier or more accepting I am the brighter their candle.
If spirit is able to focus on what they need to do with the peace of knowing that we are okay then they can grow in their journey.
If we continue to drown in our own sorrow we are not able to honour the gift of life they had with us in a physical form. They dont want us to stay in the sadness of their passing, instead they want us to celebrate what we were given the memories, laughter and the stories of what was their life which in turn what was our life.
I miss my husband every day and when I receive a sign that reminds me of him, something he would do or love I embrace the memory because I know this is making his candle burn more brightly.